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#315 Musings at 4 AM

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Over 65 and Talking
03:52
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They’re never good…
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So last night I'm up and I'm I'm not doing anything, I'm not doing anything wrong, not doing anything. Good, completely innocent kid gets up, goes to the bathroom, comes back, I'm like, hi, how are you doing? You know, let's talk. He hates that. But you know, it's better than sitting there with your own thoughts. So he started talking to me and he said, I just had a dream. I'm like, great, tell me about the dream. So he tells me that he has had this dream where we were going on a trip, which is like, we travel well together, Life is hard, but we travel well together and I don't take much luggage, which is like the best thing about me. So I'm like, oh great. And so he goes, yeah, so, um we're heading on the strip and it's kind of a trip for me. I'm like, oh, isn't that great? That's the kind of person I am. Yeah. And he goes in, you start, I'm like, what? What do you mean? I start? He goes, you start your pouty thing. I'm like, I don't have a pouty thing, you you do. And it's when I'm we're doing things for me and I said, no, no, no. Uh that is when I am at my most magnificent when I'm a saint when I'm a martyr, that's when I give the most beautiful, you know like these, you know the thorn bird, the bird that sings the most beautiful song in Australia when it's dying. That is me. He's like, well that's how you are in the beginning, but at the end? Um I pay for it. I'm like, God, that that is that is wrong. This is why older couples are divorcing. He's got a whole different version of my life than I do. And so I said, how can you, how can you say that? I said it doesn't always happen. He said it does every single time. He used a big word, I can't remember it like indubitably or something. I mean it was really sure. So we went through a few and indubitably, I crack, I do and I admit it, I crack. I can't be a martyr forever. It's really, really hard to be self sacrificing, especially if you're not getting constant accolades for it, which is what I'm doing it for. And I said, okay, okay, that's true. But don't you just love the ride, Don't you just love how, how wonderful it is when I'm being self sacrificing? I mean I'm beatific. I'm beautiful. It's like, all I say is what would you like, let's do what you want? I mean, I can't believe I'm saying it myself isn't that amazing. And he goes, no, because I paid for it. There's always fallout always, it's always on the back burner and it's coming up to a boil and it's gonna get me, I'm like, that is so wrong. Why don't you enjoy the roller coaster ride as it's going up, click, click, click, click click and you get to see all the mountains and everything around the amusement park. Why don't you enjoy that because it's going to go down? Oh my gosh, This was my only thing that I completely prided myself in this ability to be self sacrificing for sometimes some length of time. I give it everything I have every drop I'm on empty. By the time I crack and start yelling at him, it's like so unfair and he didn't even see it. This was, I couldn't believe that this happened last night, I've been like, just I fell back asleep.