Curtis. And here is your host a man as fertile as the plains of Kansas. Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. And thanks, as always, to our fake audience, which this week, or all the people in my head telling me that yes, my new baby son is in fact, the finest, most beautiful child to ever be born. It is true. I was out for a couple of weeks because my wife and I had a baby. Both. They're doing fine, and it'll just be seven short years until he is the perfect age to appreciate the humor on this show. In the meantime, my sincere thanks to Maz Jobrani, who did such a great job filling in for me that I told the baby he'd have to change his own diapers and ran back before anybody got any ideas. But if you've been waiting to call into our show until I was too sleep deprived to make any sense at all, now is your chance. The number is one Triple eight. Wait, wait. That's one Triple 892489 to 4. Let's welcome our first listener Contestant. Hi, You're on. Wait, wait. Don't tell me. Hi This is Patty Scarf from Kalamazoo, Michigan. Hey, how are things in Kalamazoo? We once had a fine time there doing our show about six or seven years ago. Oh, they're delightful, A bit cold, but it's winter in Michigan. And what do you do there? I sell alcohol. What a great business to be in now. So your first responder, you're far handling of the catastrophe. E do bring much needed supplies. Well, Patty, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's an actor and writer you might remember from his role as Mike Pence on the president's show, which is now streaming on CBS. All access. It's Peter Grosz. Hello, Thank you for your service. Next, a comedian who could be seen in the CBS comedy The Unicorn, Season one on Netflix and host of the trivia podcast Go fact yourself on the Maximum Fun Network. It's Helen Hung. You're doing God's work, Thank you. And an author and humorist on a leave of absence to spend more time with his beard. It's Tom Bo debt. Oh, Patty. So Patty, you're going to play. Who's Bill this time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations we found in the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose in your voicemail. You ready to go? Let's do it. Let's do it. Here is your first quote. You didn't flinch. That was Governor Andrew Cuomo in New York on Monday, talking to the first American to get what, This week? The Corona Virus. Vaccines? Yes, the coronavirus vaccine. The only liquid more valuable in this crisis than alcohol. The coronavirus vaccines were finally delivered this week with news channel showing live shots of planes carrying it, landing at airports, ups, trucks, waiting toe carry it away. We all remember where we were when the first crates of vaccines were delivered. We were at home where we have been for nine months. But finally, on Monday we got to watch As the first healthcare workers got their shots, they were smiling. They rubbed their arms. Then they slowly transformed into vampires. Dammit! We really should not have rushed this E You know what? I was really reticent about getting it, but then I saw online. They gave it to Ian McKellen, Sir Ian McKellen. And if it's good enough for Gandalf? Alright, wait a minute. Gandalf doesn't need the vaccine and he just like, pound his, uh, white source. Stick into the ground. You shall not infect E now. Right now. Of course, As I'm sure you all saw on TV, the vaccine is going to medical professionals, other frontline workers. That's terrible for us. Normals. We'll be last in line. And what if when we get the vaccine, all they have left is like the markdown irregular vaccines, like Wait, This says it prevents barona virus. I'm gonna get wall vax so most of us will be waiting for months to get this thing we desperately want. It's like a PlayStation five. That hurts. It would be interesting if there was a list of everybody in the country and it was like, not just by group, but they were like, Okay, first the president, vice president and all the way down. And you could really tell like I'm behind this guy named Gary Williams. He lives in the Phoenix. I guess his heart is a little worse than mine. So I guess it before you call that a heart condition, I'll show you heart be worth doing in alphabetical order so that Mark Zuckerberg owes last, I guess. Oh, that would be fantastic. The C D. C, of course, is working on their messaging to get people to accept the vaccine. We are Americans, after all. We don't like things like vaccines. So they're going to call it the Doritos. Madonna's Locos vaccine. They need new ranch flavor. I'm not gonna get the vaccine. I'm getting the double vaccine with cheese. Orio Big stuff. Three double stuffed vaccine, double stuff vaccine. I'm getting fighter and moderna. Uh huh. Battle. Here is your next quote. Today I want to congratulate President elect Joe Biden. That was Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. Was he speaking this week or six weeks ago when Joe Biden actually won the election? Unfortunately, this week, Yes, He spoke this week, 40 days after Mr Biden won the presidency. He won the presidency again for something like the three dozen time this week when the Electoral College formally met and voted was Trump talking to bite him when he said, You'll get tired of all the winning like they say it's not over till it's over 42 times in a row. Somewhere a very horse fat lady is saying, What more do you people want? I didn't realize it was 40 days. It was actually 40 days. Very biblical. That means that Mitch McConnell hey, just gave up being a responsible person for Lent. Apparently, just like shift bitterly. Now, of course, with because the election has actually been over, the president elect has been naming his Cabinet. Former governor Tom Vilsack was named agriculture secretary, beating out representative Jerrold Nadler, who, like Tom Vilsack, has a name that sounds like testicles. But the big news this week was former South Bend Mayor Pete Buddha. Judge. He was named secretary of Transportation. That is historic. He is the first openly gay Cabinet secretary and also the first ever transportation secretary. Not old enough to drive. Yeah, he's gonna, like, convert like electric. It's not gonna be any like electric Busses and stuff. It's gonna be all big wheels. He's gonna be a initiative. Find out while trains in the real world don't have faces on them. E. I wanna ask a serious question. Pete Buddha Judge. What qualifies somebody like him in all seriousness to be secretary of Transportation, just like just like a general competence. Like, What does it actually take first? Clearly has no experience. Doesn't know anything about transportation. That's not true. He's from Indiana. He knows what the American public wants, which is to drive through Indiana as quickly as possible. It is going to raise the speed limit. Indiana 200 bucks an hour? No, Actually, a number of people pointed this out that one of the things that qualifies Mayor Pete or soon to be Secretary Pete to be secretary of Transportation is that he is, in fact, a nerd. He just loves minutia and policy. One of the things he loved to talk about is about the smart sewage system that they had installed in South Bend. And the idea is, anybody who gets so excited about a smart, digitized sewer system is just the guy to handle. Like complicated, boring infrastructure projects. Is a smart sewage system the same as a sentient sewage? You don't tell you when you need more fiber in your diet. All right, Patti, we have one more quote for you. Here it is. It's still beautiful. It's just skinnier and smaller and shorter than normal. That was a person quoted in The Wall Street Journal describing what they'd be doing.