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Audio of "Would the Last Businessman" - To Russia With Love

station description Would the Last Businessman... to leave the country.please turn out the lights?In th... read more
WtLB BBC COMEDY 1978-1979
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Duration: 28:08
Listen in to this classic episode from "Would the Last Businessman". This 1978 episode, "To Russia With Love" will transport you back to the time of this radio comedy show and ask, would the last businessman to leave the country please turn out the lights?
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Listen in to this classic episode from "Would the Last Businessman". This 1978 episode, "To Russia With Love" will transport you back to the time of this radio comedy show and ask, would the last businessman to leave the country please turn out the lights? In this series, Leslie Phillips plays a self-employed businessman struggling in the bureaucratic bonds of red tape.
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with the last businessman to leave the country. Please turn out the lights. Theme used in the world of business that's joining. Kenneth Connor, Hugh Paddick, Nell Brennan, Sue Holderness, Jonathan Adams On the last business man himself Leslie Phillips Theo Export Business is tough and demanding, but Leslie Smith the father Dylan Smith exporters, has a keen staff to back him up. Dean, how the new electric typewriter we got you part of a new electric typewriter. How is it? Wonderful, Miss Father Gil, I can type that fast as I can think what we need. That's not the invoice I asked you to type. No, there was something more urgent. And at the embassy wanted four girls share flats really gaily and you should attend to your domestic affairs in your own time. Not not for me. Girls share flat. Yes, the other three left in the third day. This place is less like an office and more like a social club with a managing director that I didn't see what he's up to. Try and stop him. Gladys. Yvonne, I've been working out. Last year's accounts have included everything from our profit to the electricity bill and It's good and bad the electricity boards doing well, but we aren't way talk about business for a change. We haven't done a single deal for wheat really upon You have little faith in my business acumen. A businessman of my versatility can pick up on export deal at the moment started. Really? I'll show you just how easy it is to make money. Have you got a morning paper? Yes. So you can't tell me one? I didn't mean that I've observed here. I turned to the foreign news right away I find something that picture of Africans in funny hat Read the caption. The prince also met crabs of them be the women who wear hats to conceal their unruly hair. Since the disappearance of innocent in the region is little ivory to make Kun quite so there's an export market for us. I take it all back So we're going to export Coombs, I was thinking of elephants, but maybe combs would be simpler. That letter you dictated for the customer who complain it's giving a bomb while I signed this better just read it. Dear sir, I apologize for the delay in fulfilling your order for track two spares. I note your comment that a dead gorilla could do my job better. But I regret to inform you there is a waiting list. Is this what I dictated more? There might be a few that new typewriters got a mind of its own. Remember, the two of you together have everything we need. And I want you to take this trade directory on order. 10,000 combs from the cheapest supply. You confined? Yes. Playing ladies Combs. Export colleges, right. I am Reginald Snowed of the V A T. Right. Sleep flying Leathernecks wings. Oh, dear. Nobody moved. This is a V I t shop right of Ah, uh, I've got you now, Smith. All your files in maintains the months of planning paid off. Let's see the evidence. Yeah. These files are empty. Yes. During your months of planning the Inland revenue toe, all the papers, it but but no place. I mean, give me a break. I have made an arrest all day. They'll make me go back to my old job in the V A. T. Rebates up it. Who? I 80 event. What can you do with 10 months on a day a year. I didn't pay duty on this Spanish Donkeys cigarette dispenser that you can book me for that. Where does the cigarette come out here? I can't show that in court. It's no use off headed. I'm no good for anything that they will put me on the National enterprise. Bowed. I failed, Mr Smith. The cones you told me to order have arrived. Extra Galen. Bring them in with you. It's funny. This box doesn't feel very heavy. It can't be 10,000 combs in their 499 other boxes outside. Daleen, show me the order form. You sent a copy of it on the box thing. I asked for ladies. Combs? That's right. A long time long. Yes. There wasn't room to write, ladies. And you wrote long combs on the order where we better open the box. Yeah. Somehow I don't think our customers on the Zambezi will be too pleased with 10,000 pairs of British Antarctic survey patent long calm combination underwear, long willie vests and pants all in one. That's what these are. I get a bit nippy at night in a pair of these. I should think nip ings the last thing. They dio them up and send them back. I don't think they'll take Mr Smith. We have pain involved. You mean we're stuck with them? Well, we'll just have to find a market. Someone must need long woolly underwear. So my cooled look at the paper like you did the other day. Good idea, Yvonne. Let let's see my copy of Socialist Worker. Not normally, No. No. But today it was the only paper they had left. And I have to have one to cover this months edition of stud work is all about the glories of communism. Oh, look, the Chinese hit parade I see carrying pig manure on the old collective farms. Still number one funny, not top of the British charts. His stick a razor blade up your nose and roll me or not, They're on the back page of a small lab. Yes, yes. Look. Russian Import agency seeks decadent western luxury goods. Box 69 Moscow. A mask. It's cold there. All right. Remember how Napoleon had to give up? What, you mean not tonight, Josephine. Sort of. That wasn't cold. It was headache. You know what I mean? Yes, it's exactly what I was thinking. Long coms are just what the Russians need on I've never bean to Moscow. You should go there. It's always the personal touch, clinches things. Besides, it'll get us away from the V a t man. You mean I Why not? I need someone to make the arrangements. Galen replied to this advert say a top British exporter will be in Moscow next week. You have looked at the case of this Leslie Smith comrade frozen off dark comrade teaching when he applied for his visa. Our trade attache in London made investigations. It is obvious Smith is a spy. Are we notice? It's clear he knows nothing about business or far bankroll matters. When our city agent asked him if he could croak alone, Smith replied that he could only do the breast stroke. Interesting. No business man could be such a fool. The export business must be a front for spying. We must keep him out of Russia yet common it. We must let him in. Then we can catch him in the act on the KGB, conceded his contact. K G B will enjoy His flight arrives in Moscow today. The airport officials must letting through without hindrance. Six. For are now entering terminal. Would the gentleman and seven overcoats please stand of a from the door? That he is looking a lot? Seven overcoats? You money? Coddle yourself, Non says. I do no such thing. One of my hot water bottles first. I don't touch it. No. In my electrically heated gauntlet, I go up like a fuse telling, Don't keep everyone waiting. Your next in line for the customs. He's holding out his hand but unfolded the broom. Nick How hospitable! He's shaking your hand, comrade. I light a torch of friendship plummet. Might my God trip shorted? He can't let go. Look. Oh chap, take my other hand and complete circuit where there's no harm done. I'll help him down from those railings importing instruments of assassination into the Soviet Union. Your paper? This. I was holding out the hand for your visa. Of course. Here. What? Your name is Alexander Soldiers. I think this is your book. Cover Efron. I use that to wedge that wobbly seat. I thought I wonder what happened to my Weezer, then attempting to enter the country without the reserve. Your do 15 years for this. What's kept in your pocket? Oh, it's just something I read on the plane. Bring back Bizarre by Winston Churchill Jr Important corruptive literature. Let's see what your smuggling opened. The case. 0, 20 bottles off Gina. No, this is just something to keep me warm. Taste it. I tried to tell you, it's not Jim is a pair of him. I I've got a camping stove in the other bag. Molotov cocktails. By the time you leave the labor camp, comrade, you'll be an old man. I shall call the guards and have you arrested or satisfactory. Comrade, This man is to be a lot true, but Comey is an enemy of the people. Take off the handcuffed and let him go to come in. Is your room all right? Oh, it's blended, Wonderful service. And when you use a phone, a chap actually comes on the line and tell you when you're not speaking clearly, they even have art experts to come round and check the deck or six. This one just came in. They looked at the pictures on my wall, cap them and said testing, testing thistle hotels changed my mind about cynical, hardheaded Russian. Yes, I went in just now, and the maid was talking to the begonias. They are human after all. There, bub. No, no, no. You're thinking of cockroaches. Begonias of flowers. I was suspicious at the airport, but now I'm certain they think you're some kind of spy on you. Seen too many films. I have an appointment with an official trade ministry. There's nothing funny about these. Rusk is a tool. They just want to see my underwear. But I think we should be careful. Remember where? 2000 miles from the nearest English face. I'll get it. Excuse me, please. Would you have such a painted an English T bank? Rush stuff? Leaves get under me. Frighten. Well, nine. Mr Snow, What are you doing here? Well, we're heard they were English here, but I didn't know with you. Simon. 100 day. I always come here image or just peel and peel Sunburn, Potatoes. I can't afford the restaurant prices. And in Moscow you don't get tested by new bile bikini clad models. You mean you do in my your car? No, but it's too cold to worry me here. Besides, this is a working 100 day I'm here to explain British. The 80 methods to the KGB mean I think you can teach them a lot. Yes. From what I hear, these people are too soft by half. Well, if you with I haven't got any t banks. I should just have to use me. Old one sweet has left its hotel in is on the way here now commenting, taking whatever coming at You know what to do. Of course. While posing as a buyer for his transparently force consignment This underwear which is so easy to see through. I let slip that I am a dissident eager to leave the U. S. If you spy, he will assist your defection to gain propaganda. Cool! Look! There he is in the outer office. Good luck, comrade Coverage. Secretary Sinden. Comrades Comrade Personal. May I say what an honor it is to meet an official of the Union of Soviet Watch. His name's long live long. May your revolutions continue yet Sit down and let me give your dog a biscuit. No, this isn't a dog, comrade it too much what he did. You stick a hand in each end. You see? It's nice, but rather dangerous. If you're absent minded and live with the black balconies, I think you have something to interest me. Let us put our cards on the table. I am not all I seem. How can I put it if I say the world if you didn't, My dear chap, I let you into a secret I use dissident to Needn't worry about having false teeth but to business Now I haven't actually brought my long comes with me. I did not think so. There didn't seem any point until we discussed. Um Now, here's a pattern which will demonstrate what I have to offer. A plan? Yes, if you like. Yes. Yes, A He a large area with four long roads on down the center. A strip of dots. These would be landing like How way? Call them button. Let us speak freely. I am concerned about joy escape route escape. Oh, you mean there's a flap at the back way that's on the other side of the pattern? Did not realize it would be an air. No. Their draft proof. I show you wind tunnel testing. You'll see it is usual for these pigs. I mean, we brave dissidents go to the border. Ah, yes. Well, now that is a problem. Yes, but I can have extra stitching. Put him, Steve Kenya. Look, if I accept your offer, how many people will be going out with me? I'll be honest. They don't make you any more attractive to women. No more than you have now, comrade. There is no need to be a break. How much are you asking for the whole Patrick? 30,000 rubles. If I give you that, a comfortable life in England will be waiting as I'll be very comfortable. Thanks. The money will be under the pillow in your hotel room when you return. You know the need for secrecy is well, I hope the old tax spittle cash on the nail. You take a cut and put it down to office heating. Say no more. I'll be in touch about dates. Toodle pip. Well, comrade, the tape recorder was working perfectly. But this meat is more cunning than with Oh yes. He pretends to be a simpleton and it makes nothing. He gave us move for every day I get it. The money will love his suspicion. He will want to celebrate this is a job for the loveliest of our secret agents. Put him over. You are lately. Have you do I've dropped it out. The contract, I mean business. Off course. They want the whole package. But we shouldn't count our chickens. We don't know how good their credited. No need to worry about that. I just look under my pillow. Never mind your pajamas. There's work to do. Ah, the money's here. Money. Cash in advance receipt Must be some sort. They leave the money under your pillow like the tooth fairy. Charming. Get there. I've been here all morning and no one's seen except me. Hang on. There's a note here. Funny going on. Give you the money now. They haven't even signed the contract. Look at this. Look, darling, from the moment I saw your photograph Improv, The business news. I've been in love with you. I shall be in your room at 11 tonight. How I ache for the dark passion of your embrace. What about your big boy? You must be some kind of a duke. There are just a few women who don't find me an object of ridicule. You know you're going to meet this is happy. Yeah, well, I might as well give her a once over or even a twice over if she's good, that is. I just explained to the poor besotted creature that I'm Ah, happily unmarried, man. I'll tell her what she's done is very, very naughty. She hasn't done anything. Yeah, well, I wasn't gonna tell yet. I'm talking with a first, but did you see some sort of trick? She's off to something. I I told you. You're being what? Now they're trying to compromise you by appealing to your vanity. Do believe half Yvonne. It's beginning to sound like jealousy After our trip to the ball short tonight. I'm coming straight back here. There's nothing you could do, Teoh. And that gentleman of the K G B terror unit concludes my survey of British V I t collection methods. Cooperates Note. There is a young lady to see you, Mr Snowed. Thank heavens I found you. Mr. Smith's in trouble. Oh, Schmidt. In trouble, like good. I'm not sure why, but the plot to compromise him, I'm convinced the Russians means to pin something on him and look him up. Your Ivan's maybe devious, but you can't for their good intentions. You've got to save. Save him. What? Same Smith. You're joking. Here's a lot of V A T. Doesn't need next week East due for the big building. Well, if he's in a Siberian labor camp, he won't be able to pay it. Really? We'll get to him. Don't you worry. Mind you that it would be inconvenient. All right. What do you want me to do? A woman's coming to his hotel room tonight. I'm sure she means to get some sort of faith. A confession out of him. You must be there in his place and tell the woman he's gone home. But what? Can't you do it? Well, I've got to keep him away. If he has his way, he'll be there. How can you stop him that stupid? What? She wears it so complicated. He can tell the time. He always asked me and I'll make sure I'm an hour flew by the time he gets back, You'll accept the woman off and he'll be none the wiser. I think they're done behind. Deceitful and dishonest. You ever considered a career in the 18 time? Do I have to be there I love you. You love me. Course I paying the ating. Um, the moon may wane. The moon weight wanks with his old ways. Value anti tanks Come in. Hello, English man. Kindly remove yourself. I'm waiting for a woman. I don't know how gel Stop in the way. I am the woman. I wear this uniform only, so I am not conspicuous. Well, if you didn't wear it, I'm sure you would be conspicuous. Soc foreign rubbish. But you're such an attractive man. I want you so much. Yes, well, so much 2000 other women. But they're not blatant about it. There may be free love over here, madam, but I am a civil servant. So you do vote for the British government s if it any of your business. Now get on turning over the bait. Later, darling. First tell me about yourself. You're not really a business man, are you? I do. You mind? I've never hurt his language. Of course I'm not a what you see. So tell me about your really exciting working the intrigue. Who the raw power of the thrill of seeing the enemy bested and tell me the reason you are here. Well, im doing it partly for the money. Of course. With Apart from that, I've always believed in people getting away when they feel like making the break way. Are everything well done, Comrade Fulham over. This man is obviously the brains behind the defection of dissidents. You men take the imperialist running dog may help. No place. I'm just a harmless V. I t main. No, please. You got nothing on. Do you think Mr Smith will be in today, Miss Father Gil? Not sure. After that flight from Moscow, he may be suffering from Jin Lag. You mean Jet Black? Galen? I was there. I know what he may be suffering from. Good morning, ladies. Do you know, I think we were lucky to get out of Russia when we did. Have you seen the paper I've got here? Mrs. But the 80 Officer, Mr Reginal Snowed held in Russia for suspected SPU Neji activities faces a possible 30 years hard labor in Siberia. I always knew he wasn't what he seemed. You know, Nobody's really as bad that but he may get off. Apparently they're talking oven exchange. The Russians want a female gorilla for the Moscow Zoo. Much of a oh, guerrillas. A common enough now how snowed us by. It takes all sorts. At least you won't be bothered with the 80 for a while. They'll have to go a long way to find someone knows enough to replace him. Okay, nobody is moving. This is a we 80. If anyone wants may be in Peking, that was. Would the last businessman to leave the country. Please turn out the lights Featuring Leslie Phillips with Kenneth Connor, Hugh Paddick, Nell Brennan, Sue Wilderness on Jonathan Adams. The program was written by Andrew Palmer and produced by Edward Taylor.
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