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This transgender dad has known for a long time that he wanted kids. But trying to conceive when both you and your partner have eggs is no easy task.
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This transgender dad has known for a long time that he wanted kids. But trying to conceive when both you and your partner have eggs is no easy task.
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There. But for us, it was a really interesting process because I'm a transgender man. I transitioned from female to male about 15 or 16 years ago. Um and when my wife and I decided to conceive, we had to kind of navigate that. Um, and so I guess I'm here to talk to you about that. Is your wife? Was she born a woman or did she transition? My wife is cis gender, which means that she identifies with the sex she was assigned at birth. So she and I both have um, ovaries and uterus. And I because I transition so long ago, I've had a very long time time to think about family building. And honestly, it was one of the things that um delayed my transition for a long time At that time. It was very much the implication that you you didn't get to keep your fertility if you transitioned. Like nobody talked about it, there was no expectation that you would do that. And in fact many states until very recently required sterilization um to change your documentation. So 15 years ago, nobody was talking about fertility. And I always knew I from very young that I wanted to be a parent. Um And I had this idea many years ago, kind of just thinking about it when I was like, well, you know, if I have eggs and I know I'm gonna be partnered with someone who has a uterus, my partner could carry my baby and it seems like just a crazy pipe dream. Like no way could I afford it? What were the chances I was going to meet someone who would be into that? Um and then when my wife and I started dating, we had been friends for 10 years at that point. So we've covered pretty much every topic possible. And really the first, very first night that we were together, we were kind of talking about just what would this look like as a relationship and what what does it mean, you know? And um and she said and really appropriately and I was really glad. She said that she said I'm just aware that it's going to complicate things with regard to having kids and you know, I don't know, I'm thinking about that and I said well it will, but I had this crazy idea, it's like I don't know if you'd be into it, but what if I had my eggs retrieved and fertilized and you could carry a pregnancy? And she was like I'm in. So it happened, I mean it was basically a 32nd conversation and we were like this is okay, this is how we're going to do it. So then it really became a question of timing. Um First was I mean we had just started dating and so first was the question of like, how long do we have to date before we just decide? I mean, this is it. We both knew very quickly. And let's be Honest, unlike a, you know, Heterosexual partnership with 26 people. Um that decision is a little different unless they know they have infertility or need fertility assistance. You guys knew going in this is a huge, financial, emotional, physical burden. But how did you know when to start that? Yeah. So that's a great question what I discovered. So as I said very quickly, we knew that we were going to be together and even before we were engaged, I just had made a decision, like, I'm either going to be in this or I'm not going to be in it and I decided I was going to be in it. And for me, at that point we may as well have been married because I had, my commitment was made. Um but before we had gotten engaged before we had started thinking about getting married, I realized that I um I definitely experienced this as infertility as a result of medical treatment, but because we had started talking about having a family and we knew that we wanted to do that, I was thinking about it a lot and I realized that I didn't want to feel like I was bringing infertility into our marriage and that if we could go ahead and get this done and just bank some embryos in the freezer that we would kind of be starting at the same place, that other people start, you know whether they're aware if they're not aware that they have any infertility may come up, may not have kids. We knew that, but it felt just less like that was going to follow me into our marriage. Um Like it almost felt for me putting those embryos in the freezer almost felt to me like um I'm not like I had made sperm, but like I suddenly this deficit was not there anymore. I think that's probably the best way to explain it.
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