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Hanna Dickinson - Snippet of her stand-up set

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Hanna Dickinson on getting fired, getting married and being self-sufficient
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Hannah Dickinson, let her hear it. Thank you. I love this. Like a clean wipe down, right? It's like the closest thing I'll get to porn. Uh I'm fine with it. I'm like, no, I'm a little nervous. I haven't done stand up in five months and like under usual circumstances and someone would be like, you want to record a half hour without doing stand up for five months. I'd be like, no, like I respect the art like stand ups and are, but like, I've been quarantining with my parents in Virginia for the past five months. So my manager was like, do you want to fly to L. A. And shoot a half hour? I was like, I will fart in the microphone for 30 minutes, you know what I mean? I'm gonna chuck, this is not about you, it's about being in a hotel room alone. I uh yeah, the past five days because I had to take a test in quarantine, I've just been masturbating in a residence in for Yeah, like a dad waiting for custody results. It's good. My parents are pretty wild. Like my dad is like a, like a frat star, you know, like he still has his paddle hanging in our basement and like his job and my cousin's wedding was to blow a conch shell, like he's just like kind of eccentric and I am, I feel like I'm very much like him. Like we take the same medications, like we're very, we're very, we're wired the same, you know, we're on the same dose of Zoloft baby. Um Yeah, so I feel like I'm like my dad in the sense of just like the way our brains are like our anxiety and just like uh I'll say things that aren't exactly appropriate for the setting. Like I sometimes I feel like I can't really read the room. Yeah. This year feels like a gap year now it's like 22 were just like letting go of it, it's fine, but no one's traveling, we're just trying every drug, every every drug in my parents basement. I've done so many mushrooms. I'm now friends with every piece of furniture in my house. Do you understand? Yeah, I've just been with my parents, it's fine. I it's been good like we have a good relationship but I have a helicopter mom, you know like she only lets rich men inside of her and uh you know my dad hates like uh it's like just make more money. Um uh No she wants me to have a boyfriend so bad because I'm like 28 I've never really had a boyfriend and uh I told her that this guy was sexually harassing me on twitter, sending me photos of his dick and she was like well what does he do for a living? I don't know, definitely something illegal, you know he's got a weapon on himself. It's all good not to brag but like I was kind of a loser before quarantine. So this is like kind of my thing. I got fired from my job, there was like, no pandemic insight? I just got fired just for my attitude. My lack of, I don't know, I worked at a movie theater selling popcorn and like, is that a job as an adult? I don't think so. Uh Yeah, my manager said I had like a bad attitude, but I don't think I don't mean to have like a bad attitude. I just like, I don't know how to like be nice. I don't know. Like here's the thing, like working at a movie theater, like we know popcorn is expensive. You know what I mean? Like, you know, popcorn is expensive. Why do we have to talk about it every time? Literally every dad who comes to the registers like $15. You're really taking advantage of me. It's like, sir, if I had any say around here, would I be wearing advisor indoors? No. So I got fired taking a box of M and M's a severance. It's more than making an hour. I quit drinking a little bit ago. I don't know, like I quit drinking once. Yeah, they always speak up there. Like, I think it's, it's like an on and off thing. Like it's like months on and I'm like the girl who cried white cloth, you know, it's like, I'm sure you are this time. No, it's, I don't know if I have a problem, right? Like how do you know if you have a problem? Like the person who clapped, like obviously you also have a problem, but how do you know? Right? Like it's like, it's hard. They're like, oh yeah, you have a problem if you drink alone. Well, guess what? I also eat alone, you know? And I orgasm alone. So do you have a handful of problems or my self sufficient? Uh No, I have a problem for sure. That's for sure. Problem. I knew something was wrong when I went to the gynecologist and she was like, well, how many drinks do you have per week? I was like, how is this relevant? You know what I mean? Like, I'm going to open up and No, I told her 15, I told her 15 drinks and she was like, Oh my God, that is terrible for your health, that's going to do long term damage, you have to cut that in half. And I was like, well that sucks because I literally just did when I lied to, you don't have a liver anymore. Also just get very sloppy, you know what I mean? Like I kind of lose like every bone in my body and just get like one big one. And uh yeah, it's not good. My friends told me that's my problem dating, they're like, yeah, you get way too hammered on first dates and that I will like, no, I'm actually very good at first dates. Like I only go on first dates, you know? So like I fucking have it. Um I just sleep with guys too quick, you know? Alright uh I don't know is that waiting for my lose? Uh No one probably not gonna get married. I don't it's not looking good right now. I would get married if nothing else to prove the haters wrong, you know what I mean? Like if I get engaged, mark my words, that ring is going on my middle finger for I'd be like, I told you Trevor got him, Who's the nightmare now? Vance? Uh Yeah, my mom, like she really wants to have a boyfriend. I think she's given up on me getting married in her lifetime. Uh She, because growing up, all she talked about was me getting married and like this wedding fund she had right, she would come home from work and have a bonus. She's like, I'll add it to your wedding fund, I'll add it to your wedding fund wedding fund. And then three years ago she just stopped saying that and then two years ago she bought a boat, I'm pretty sure I'm out, I did almost get married once uh lived in Los Angeles. I I went here for school and I was friends with this guy who was an actor but he's from Canada and he was gonna be deported because his visa was up and he's like, I can't like not be an actor, I need to marry someone and I agreed to marry him because he was tall and I was like in it. I was like, let's go to Vegas. We got this. And then he chose to get deported. Do you understand? Like rather than marrying me, he just gave up on his dream. I was like, I guess this is it for me. I don't know. Pre quarantine. I was like trying me and my friends, we had a tactic like because I would still go to bars and not drink. I would just be like, you know, make an effort to meet someone. It was like, I'm gonna do this and my friends and I, we had like a way of meeting guys which is like, we have a very hot friend and like all of us are fine, attractive, whatever. But she's like so hot. You know what I mean? Like she goes to Greece for hand jobs hot. She's never paid rent in her life. Like she just like gets paid for by a dude named frank. Like she's just beautiful. But the key to the equation is she's like the worst person in the world. Like she's just like rude loud, judgmental. Her name is heather, you got it. Um But she's the bait of the group. Ladies debate the girl you send into the bar first. The guys flock realizes she sucks and then the personality rolls deep. You know hell yeah. Ah So I get them. Mm hmm Just kidding. Couldn't keep him