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Episode 116 of 158

116: Hate Saying No? How to Cure Your Vitamin N Deficiency

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After a previous episode about clear communication, it has popped up in so many amazing and inspiring conversations that many of us feel uncomfortable saying no. But I am here to tell you that we have to get better. As women, it is so common for us to say yes when we really want to say no and I have been down that road many times.    Throughout my journey, I have become much better about saying no and being honest. I have always been a direct person, but I have also been a people-pleaser and it has put me in some situations that do not reflect my wants and needs. We all have an inner voice and an inner compass, but are we listening to it?   In today’s episode, I am laying out some real examples that you can probably relate to. And as always, I have some actionable steps to take to start using your vulnerability to practice saying no. While uncomfortable at first, this muscle needs strengthening and once you’ve strengthened it, you can finally be you.   Show Notes: [1:41] - No is a complete sentence. You do not need to explain yourself. [2:10] - Saying no may come easier for someone direct like Jill, but some direct people still have a people-pleasing quality. [3:35] - As women, it is common to say yes to sex and affection when we want to say no.  [4:05] - Jill also shares that she’s been shopping and has purchased things that she doesn’t want and has purchased products after being pitched them by her hair stylist because she felt uncomfortable saying no. [4:44] - Jill continues to list examples of times she has said yes when she wanted to say no - home parties, dates, volunteering, even drive-thrus and convenience stores. [6:57] - You may also be “saying yes” with your actions like when you respond to a text or answer the door when you don’t want to. [8:28] - If it's not a “hell yes,” it's a no. If you have to think about it and have any reason you want to say no, it shouldn’t be a yes. [9:06] - The people-pleaser in Jill actually caused her to wear things she didn’t want to wear and double book herself because she was afraid to tell someone she already had plans. [10:24] - It always boils down to love or fear which are the only two real emotions. Saying yes when we want to say no comes from fear. [11:28] - We are taught to dumb-down, muzzle, cover up, and silence our inner voice. [12:52] - It is important to tell children what to do, but we need to avoid telling them to do things they feel uncomfortable doing, such as giving someone a hug if they don’t want to. [13:49] - If we are so focused outward instead of inward, we will wind up saying yes all day long to everything regardless of how we feel about it. [14:08] - Jill admits she even got married and went to college when both of those things she did not want to do. [16:30] - If it feels so weird to you to say no, you can still say it very sweetly. You do not have to be bold and direct. Don’t lie and don’t apologize, but be clear. [17:45] - Like in a previous episode on clear communication, you can use your vulnerability to say no. [18:27] - When we say no, it is clear and kind, we don’t have to explain, and it is honoring that internal compass. [19:51] - When it comes to saying no, it is also okay to say no to stress, busy, hustle, drama. It is a great idea to say no. [20:25] - Jill admits that she has some great ideas on her mind for some courses to offer but it isn’t the right time and she backed out of a plan with someone she hired. [21:44] - Because she was honest and told the person she hired that she wasn’t ready and wanted to put it on hold, he was so impressed that she said no. [22:41] - Jill encourages us to practice saying no. Get used to saying it even though it feels weird and uncomfortable. I know there was something in this episode that you were meant to hear. Let me know what that is. Thank you for being here today with me on our healing journeys. Links and Resources: Be You Home Page Jill Herman on Instagram Be You Collective on Facebook   Don’t forget to download your free ebook to help you discover how to live a life of POWER, FREEDOM, and JOY! Be You and Break Free From the Opinions of Others by Jill Herman