I hear from you. Hi, you are on the couch with dr judy. And what is your name please, lisa. Hi, lisa, thank you so much for calling in. And where are you calling from? I'm calling from mendocino county California. Thank you so much. And what inspired you to pick up the phone with regards to tonight's topic? Um Well, I am going through a really difficult time. I'm sorry, give me a sec. It's okay. Yeah. Um I am a family of, I had five siblings and uh narcissistic alcoholic father and um co dependent mother, but my mother died five years ago and she, everybody adored her and anyway I um you know I am the scapegoat, obviously I'm the scapegoat in the family and Recently, you know, and I have been I actually started and 56 I started dealing with this um in my twenties when my whole family was completely against me and um I moved across country. Um they're all in the east coast to get away from them, but you can't you can't move far enough to get away from that. Um, so I kind of had some, sorry, I'm a little all over the place. I wrote down all notes and it's what you're talking about it, because, you know, it's interesting because obviously you're right now experiencing the trauma of this relationship and um, and one of the symptoms is that you feel confused. You know, it's that confusion, a world of confusion. You're trying to make good on something that will never never be good. Um, so, so, so currently, are you talking to your, are you talking to your father? Oh, so my um, my dad, I cut off 30 years ago. Um, he's very, very, very, very, I would say evil, creepy, toxic. Um to me, he I knew when I was young, and nobody else seemed to know Anyway, I, you know when I went through all this, I went through 20 years of therapy and you know, talking about all this stuff and then I come and come out in the end and I have a you know, I have a chemical imbalance which I know I do, but I actually started to believe everything that they were saying and that I had severe depression um you know, what is it called? Uh a severe case of depressive disorder. And recently my mom died five years ago after she died. Um I was so distraught, I couldn't even move because she was the one I talked to you about my depression all the time and after she died I went into even the worst depression and all of a sudden, once I came out of it and I've been angry and all of a sudden my depression has lifted to the point where I'm having um uh yeah, just I'm if you come back in that time, I'm sorry. Okay. I recently felt like I was actually in a moment. I was for last week I had a um, was driving somewhere and there was a road rage incident on a bridge and it was a two lane bridge and the car literally stopped in front of me to flip me off and there was traffic everywhere. And I felt like I had been there before. It's what I'm trying to say. I was the way I reacted, what exactly what happened. And I had, um, I didn't know what that was and I'm finding out that it's PTSD now, all of a sudden, all these fever. It's like, I must have been suppressing all this stuff even though I like to 20 years of yeah, it's just leaking out of me. Yeah, that's it. I can't stop it. It's leaking out of you now. Were you married to a narcissist? Choose somebody who's a narcissist? No, I My entire family has gotten married had kids. I have not even been able to have a relationship for the past 30 years. Okay, so in your case, you weren't married to narcissist, but you were steeped in a narcissistic family which created this PTSD and another level of it, the chronic complex PTSD which still lives in you. And um sometimes when the depression lifts, then there's an anger that comes out in an agitation. You have to be careful with that because when we're depressed, okay, I'm gonna I'm just gonna say it. So let's talk about implosions. And explosions. What are explosions, explosions are when you're vomiting your anger all over people. Okay, implosions are when you're swallowing the anger. Now, what is the extreme version of explosions? Take a guess, explosions Well, that's the other side of the coin, but when you're exploding to the extreme than what's the behavior associated with it? Rage maybe? And homicide? Right? Oh yes, we go out and kill somebody. Now on the other end of the spectrum, what's the opposite? Our implosions? And implosions to the extreme are what suicide Exactly. Quickly. Exactly. And so that's why it's so delicate when the depression lifts and we're in that active state of anger, Okay, there are two kinds of anger. There's a lot here to process. I'm gonna I'm gonna sort of layer it up here. So, what one form of anger is genuinely cleaning out the rage the betrayal that lives inside in a therapeutic setting so that you can exercise these feelings metabolize them, reprocess them and complete them. Okay, so that would be therapeutic rage, the other is when the rage goes out of control and sometimes you see this with people who are getting off of their their anti depressants and now they're active and now they're in touch with their feelings and they off themselves. What's going on here? Well, what's going on here is that they suppressed all of that anger turned inward and and and and and so now it's it's activated and now they're they're able to mobilize into some sort of an action. So why I'm saying this, because it happens people off themselves, people off other people, people uh commit homicide and then turn that gun against themselves, and I'm talking very extreme because uh it's important to know what the extreme ends of it are now. Um in most cases, people don't suicide or homicide, but they stay in a horrendously horrific state of panic, hypervigilance, anxiety, depression, resentment, low self esteem, shame, guilt, confusion, uh, inability to concentrate startle responses, flashbacks, nightmares, obsessive thoughts sounding familiar.