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Snippet of Girls Gotta Eat: All the Single Ladies

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station description A podcast about dating/sex/relationships from Ashley Hesseltine and Rayna Greenberg... read more
Girls Gotta Eat
Duration: 15:12
Hosts Ashley and Rayna discuss all things single. When your friends start pairing off, making new friends, and more. Check out the full episode on their station!
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Hosts Ashley and Rayna discuss all things single. When your friends start pairing off, making new friends, and more. Check out the full episode on their station!
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Yeah, we have gotten a lot of emails and D m's and questions from you guys about this whole, like being the single friend. Tons of emails. Yeah, my friends are married. How do I make friends? I'm breaking my I feel like I'm breaking up with my best friend, like, really all those things you guys want to know about. And so this is gonna be a lot of stuff about when your friends start pairing off and what do you do and how to make new friends and all the things I think the reality is that as we get older people pair off, you know, and everybody, This is a time in our lives where everybody is in these very different stages. People are planning weddings, they're buying houses, they're having kids. And everybody's sort of these different stages. And I think that ah, lot of people they're single during these stages start to feel like their friends are being maybe smug and judgmental. And I think it's important to start to evaluate. Are they being like this, or am I being hypersensitive? But, you know, it doesn't make you evaluate, you know, I'm the only single girl in this situation And, like, how can I function in that situation? Right. Well, let me ask you this. We know each other pretty well, like our history. But like when you were growing up and, like, middle school, high school, college in early twenties, like, were you mostly in relationships or were you mostly single, or were you just kind of like you could equally balanced for me? I'm equally balanced. I'm not one of those girls. It's, like, always relationship I've had. I'm very fortunate to have a lot of have really good relationships in my life. There's several men have been very in love with very happy with, um there's been times in my life where it wasn't in relationships, and I'm fine either way. Um, yeah, I'm perfectly fine either way. Um, you I'm just always single. I mean, like, I don't know. I just always valued my friends. I want to be around my friends. I have a great family. Like I never felt I never felt that need to, like, be in this romantic relationship. And I didn't. I dated in high school, you know, I went to the dances and all that stuff. I didn't have a serious boyfriend until right at the end of high school, and then I didn't even seriously date somebody again until the actually the end of college. And then I really have only had one very serious relationship where it was like we weren't long distance. We live together for a little bit. We were very in love. And so I've dated a ton. You know, I'll date a few months here, there, but like, for the most part, like, I haven't not one of those girls. It's always been relationship. So I am very good making friends, keeping friends, surround myself with people making new friends. When my friends start to pair off, we're gonna talk about that kind of stuff, too. But yeah, I think I I don't know. You sound like you were just healthy right in the middle. But like we all know, those girls, they're like they been they bounce in relation to the relationship. They have, like their next relationship in order before they get all the first one, like they can't be alone. And I think sometimes those girls, they finally are alone. At one point, they're like, Oh, my God, I don't have any friends, right? And I think it's hard to make friends when you are in relationship relationship relationship, because that person is your life. And that's, you know, your number one priority on I wanna be sensitive to the fact that, like this, is different throughout the country. So we've gotten some emails being like, Okay, I'm not I don't live in New York City where everybody is single and married, like I live in the South, And I really am the only person like I'm 30 and I'm a spinster for not being married. So, like, what I can tell you is, you need to move to New York City. My answer things happened to me. I mean, we'll get to it, but it sucks. You're like, Oh, God, everybody's moving in suburbs And I always said, I hate to say it. I don't want to sound really negative. I said to myself, Like, I don't wanna be in my mid thirties in Atlanta. The single and I hate to say that, but like it does vary by by place in the country, 100%. And like I found, I would have a really hard time. Even Pittsburgh, which is a modern, like city. I would have a hard time living there now and being single, because I just e I guess if I lived there, I'd have single friends. But I don't currently have single friends. I go home and I bop around from married friends house to marry friend's house and visit with their kids. But like, it's not the same life. And I'm sensitive to the fact that, like, you know, I've gone toe weddings in Kentucky and, like, women don't want you talking to their husband things like that because that's also a very different part of the country. And it's like, Oh, like this single girl, you know, they think you're like, What's the word? Gonna blow their husband? Bye bye. Okay. Looks like you're like this Jezebel. It's like coming in. Like what? You're fucking married Husbands like dad bod and little dick Fuck out of here. I'm, like, capable of keeping my panties on X separate. This wedding last weekend, I wasn't cute, but no one trying to fuck your husband. Sorry. Right. But I'm sensitive Fact that it's different all over the country. It is easier to be single in major major city. It's just because you have a bigger pool of people. It's just not an issue here. And so I mean, I think we do have a lot of listeners in New York, and I feel very lucky to live here. You just don't have that vibe of, like, I'm the only single person when you live here, and that's one of the reasons, Well, race. That's why I wanna live here. I think that, like I always say, like I don't have any don't have a lot of friends are married I'm no friends and kids in New York If I had kids or is married probably have more friends like that, but surround yourself with what you're. But we talked about it a lot, and I think that, like, you know, you grow up and you have groups of friends now that are in that stage of life and are in different stages of life. And I think it's important to sort of learn how to navigate all those different groups of friends. So I guess we can kind of address this. What do you do when you feel like you all of a sudden wake up one day and you're like, Oh, God, everyone's engaged, married kids They're all, like, coupled up moving on, right? Do you ever feel like And I think I've felt like this and you probably have to like, you're losing your friends. Yeah. So both of my very best friends, Aside from Raina, I do other friends, Um, Kate and my other best friend, Corey. I've talked about Kate a ton. I haven't mentioned Corey too much, but, Corey, I have friends in your four years old. We've lost touch a little bit. Now she's married with a kid and a stepson. And I'm not gonna talk so much about her because we've always had to, like, be long distance friends and, like, prioritize each other. So every time I go back to Delaware, she makes time for me. She's a great friend. I felt like we lost such a little bit when she had a baby, but not so much, even when she was, like, married and stuff. And I was obviously involved in her, like, bachelorette wedding. All these things. So I want to say like, Oh my God, is it so hard to have a kid like you're learning so much normal lose. And she is trying so cute cause she like she listened to the podcast cause she could do it like on her. She's a teacher. She could do it during planning, period, whatever. And she's like, I feel like connected you because of that. It's were great. Kate and I did have a little bit of this happened when she met her now husband, and Kate and I were best friends in Atlanta. Lived next door to each other, attached to the hip. You know, we were just like everybody knew were like always together. We worked at the same place for a bit like just never apart. Went to the same barber single night like it was just kind of. It's almost like one of those, like your Maybe you're too close, you know, because what happens when someone needs somebody? Because, like, we're a couple and I remember the very first weekend because and then we're dating, you know, we're dating people, but like we're still each other's priority were dating things like terrible guys. You know, we're sharing all these funny dating stories, like when she met her now husband. I remember the weekend and I could like feel it where it was like she didn't answer my texts all weekend. I mean, she fell in love like quick and they're married and he's great. He's the best. He's like Husband of the Year every year, and I get like that, too. And I felt it. I was like, Oh my God, this It's like it's happening like she hasn't responded to my text all weekend on like, where have you been? I felt like panicky and, you know, event. They fell in love. They eventually moved in together and we didn't nothing. We still hung out. I would still go over. But I mean, she's falling in love with her husband now. And so our friendship changed, and you know other factors, too. But I think I knew and other friends were kind of getting married and things like that and moving and all these things. I definitely knew I was like, I just need to make more friends and I made some other friends that, like just one more single, like to party more, and that's actually in that time period made a group of really good guy friends because I'm like, they're not gonna leave. You know, guys always down to party a bunch of, like, this group of like, hot, single, six guy friends. We're all still friends today. One of the guys help me start grows being basic, and I love that. I, like, just hung out with these dudes all the time was really fun. It was a very fun time in my life in Atlanta. So I look back on this kind of like, kind of a blessing was forced me to make new friends do new things, and I couldn't rely on my best friend to be, like, attached at the hip all the time. And now we're closer than ever. Like we she visits here I go there. I stay in her house with her and her husband, and we literally are, are so, so, so close. And so I remember when I was starting to, like, just feel like we were drifting apart. I'm like, I'm so sad that, like, I don't think you can go from being like best friends attached to the hip to, like, drifting apart and ever come back to be in the same. And I talked to a friend about this. She's gonna come on the show. She's like a therapist type life, coach, medium all the things. And she was like, actually like, I promise you like friendships like ebb and flow like this. And I'm like, No, they don't like, we're not We're never gonna be the same on I remember her saying, Like I'm sure you will. I'm sure it'll work itself out because I was like, I just miss Kate and she was right, Like we're best friends again. So I think it sucks. It sucks with all the girls were like your best friend. You have a single group of friends all of a sudden there, like married. And so I think I did a great job with making new friends. But like, if I could say one thing, it is like you get your best friend back, you know, things will chill out. Hopefully, but like it happened for me, long story. But to answer your question like, Yeah, I felt like I was like losing my best friend. It's hard when you're in it to remind yourself like thes stage of life ebbs and flows kind of thing because, like when you're in it, you're like, how am I ever gonna recover from this? Are we ever gonna recover from this? But all my friendships about ebbs and flows and times when we've been closer than others and especially like late twenties, early thirties, Everybody's in these different stages of life and I'll never forget the situation I was in Pittsburgh has three of my oldest girlfriends, Molly, Donna and Laura. Molly had like, a kid that was like, two years old. Think Donna was trying to get pregnant? Laura was pregnant, and I'm sitting there all talking about, like, organic baby food, organic baby clothing. And, you know, did you breastfeed howling? And I remember sitting there and I was just like my eyes glazed over because I was like, I have nothing to contribute to this E don't care about any of this, But the people I love the most in the world I've known in my entire life. And it's like I thought to myself like, Oh, my God, these friendships over Is this, like what we're gonna talk about for the rest of our lives and like, No, we've all rebounded I love spending time with all of them. They're able to talk about other stuff now. But you know, it's you're always like Oh my God, am I losing this person? Yes, and I think that every relationship is a little different, Like some people really are being a dick about their relationship. Like I have 100% people lose their friends forever. People could be total dicks, and they just get obsessed their relationship and don't make time for their friends anymore, right? And I think like I said earlier, it's and I wrote this down. I wanted the hammer it in like it's super important to self evaluate and say, Are these people actually being smug and judgmental of me? Or am I being hypersensitive because I'm a little jealous and I'm lonely and on, You know, I had relied too much of my friends, my happiness and my, which is you should rely on your friends, that happiness. But I had this one girlfriend. I'm not friends anymore and for a number of reasons, but one of things issues to do all the time. It would drive me crazy and really hurt my feelings. Was she would start a lot of sentences with my husband. This my husband bad and I want to get it. Get it back on boyfriends. I wanted to go to some of that one night and she didn't want to go. And I kept talking her to Congress. I wanted her company and she said, Well, my goal isn't to meet guys to fuck, but okay, I waas so angry because it was so judgmental. I wasn't going there to meet men to sleep. But first of all, if I waas, it's none of your business. And I'm perfectly entitled to do that as a single person. But secondly, I just wanted her company. Oh, you're so much better than May because she it's like not only an asshole you like. Just slut shamed me. Go fuck yourself, right? And I read this today and I thought that it was a really, like, interesting quote and that I was reading article. It just said, like, your future is no better or worse than mine and there's no guarantees. So you might be married now and that's great. But 50% of marriages will end this year. Eso use that to console yourself. They're gonna break up anyway. Two million people got married this year, and 900,000 people got divorced, Right? S o. I mean, I'm happy when people are happy and I love them. But like, I have plenty of friends that we're gonna break up, you'll get it back. I have plenty of president in relationships that have never once ever made me feel like that. And like my best friend Melanie, who have talked about on the show, has been a long term relationship with somebody that she's like happy and stable with, and she's still always wants to know about my dating. Like I I see Melanie. We see her all the time. She's not even my best friend, I e. That That's all the time. She's great, but, you know, I want to say like she is somebody who has been a relation for almost seven years but has never once made me feel bad or ashamed. She always wants to know about the dates I go on, and when I every time I go on a date and they do something terrible week later, she never makes me feel like she's tired of hearing this phrase, my friend, but it's like to me, that's that's amazing. But like, it's like the person like what's said to me, like my goal isn't to go like, go out and sleep with people like Don't be that kind of cool. I love that point. Maybe your friends just asshole and like, good riddance. But, you know, I'll say this to when I was in Atlanta like I was, I was kind of like the last person of, like, this group of girls to find somebody. And this was early 2015, right? Found by accident. I thought I speak about a lot, and it was kind of cool to be the last person because, like, I don't feel guilty about not tells anybody like everybody, because friends getting relationships and they feel a little bit guilty that they're neglecting. I nobody neglect like the last one. All those guy All I do is hang out with guys, and then I met my boyfriend. So, like those guys don't fucking care there, dude, they don't give a fuck so I could spend I could neglect the world and just hole up in like my love cave and nobody cares you and doing alone and my boyfriend, three of us, like it was just Oh, this is kind of the way to do it because now there's zero guilt. There's not like, oh, I should be hanging out with so and so because she's single It was like I was the last single girl and it was just very nice. I got like but then I looked back and once I was, like, really in love, like, really with somebody that I was like, This is a person I'm gonna be with Then you do realize you're like, Oh, this is why my friends wanted to spend all their time with this person because, like, this is amazing. Yeah, I'm super guilty of it. I go on like, three dates with somebody, and I am so wrapped up in this person you'll never hear from me again. Don't shut the fuck up. Don't even play. Don't even play like that. You didn't hear from me all weekend? Did you live this entire past weekend? I don't think I even looked at my phone. I did. Every Sunday morning I woke your ass up was like, I need an update and you responded to May. Good. Dick is a prison. Um, great friends. Oh, I love you. I do want to say one thing, and then I want to celebrate something else. But when I broke up with my fiancee, I was 28 maybe 29. And all of my friends right after that got married. I had, like, four or five when it Not all of my friends. So I had, like, four or five weddings that year. Friends, I only have friends. Um, all of my friends started getting married and I was, like, a little bummed out because, like, you're reminded constantly. I actually went to a wedding on my wedding date. Oh, my God. Uh, but I remember my mom who were putting yourself in the bathroom. Oh, God. The guy that went with me to this wedding was an angel. Yes. Um, anyways, I remember my mom, who we haven't plugged in a while, but she said to me, Do not begrudge other people's happiness on. I always remember this, and it's like, you know, you might be going through something and you're sad, but like that doesn't mean that you shouldn't really genuinely be happy for others, even if you're jealous, or it makes you feel sad or reminds you of your own loneliness on that's always stuck with me, like every time somebody's got engaged or gotten pregnant, like I just remind myself of that.
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