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Snippet of Pounded In the Butt By My Own Podcast: Bigfoot Pirates Haunt My Balls, read by Dane Terry

From Audio: Bigfoot Pirates Haunt My Balls, read by Dane Terry

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station description A collaboration between celebrated author Dr. Chuck Tingle and Night Vale Presents.... read more
Pounded In The Butt By My Own Podcast
Duration: 04:42
"World's greatest author" Chuck Tingle is on a mission to prove to you that love is real through his short stories known as "tinglers." Guests on the show perform tinglers of the comedic sort that raise eyebrows, like this snippet from Dane Terry, whose balls are haunted by a Bigfoot Pirate.
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"World's greatest author" Chuck Tingle is on a mission to prove to you that love is real through his short stories known as "tinglers." Guests on the show perform tinglers of the comedic sort that raise eyebrows, like this snippet from Dane Terry, whose balls are haunted by a Bigfoot Pirate. Come for the funny accents; stay for the straight absurdity.
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of all these fears. And Bigfoot pirates, however, once stood tall above the rest. That's the most cutthroat pirate of the mall, Lord Coe the Black. I'm already actually completely into the story. Lorca was a ferocious Bigfoot from Dallas, Texas, who was said to have commandeered more vessels than every other Bigfoot pirate combined. He ruled the seas with utter villainy as captain of his ship, nice abs, striking fear up and down the West Coast and particularly the waters around Santa Monica, which is where I happen to live encounters with Largo, where the stuff of legends around these parts, ranging from the time someone saw his massive pirate ship passed by in the early morning haze to a near death battle in which the storyteller barely escaped with their life. This is why it was such a huge deal. When the nice abs was finally sunk just a few miles off the Coast line after a fearsome battle with the United States Navy, the general reaction to the news was quite odd. On one hand, having such a violent criminal off the water was an absolute blessing. Yet somehow the Bigfoot pirate captain would be missed overtime Larco had become a sort of celebrity around town, almost like a mascot for the city of Santa Monica. It didn't hurt that the Bigfoot was incredibly handsome, a muscular creature with broad shoulders and a winning smile. But it was still hard for me personally to get behind celebrating a wanton criminal like he was some kind of folk hero. That's not the only strange thing that started happening after Larco died. However, the first time I felt the ache in my balls, I was taking my morning walk along the beach with my dog, Skippy. Skippy was playing in the waves, barking and dancing with jovial excitement as he fought against the ever changing tide. It was a day like any other, until suddenly I found myself buckling under the throbbing ache of a pain Deep within my balls. I held fast, hunched over until the surges of discomfort passed completely. But by the time it was over, I knew that something was dreadfully wrong. I immediately booked an appointment with my doctor, and no more than 24 hours later I found myself sitting in his Santa Monica office waiting from my test results. The door to my private room opens and my doctor walks in with a clipboard in his hand, causing me to sit up abruptly. Ambi Doctor Torp says, a concerned look plastered across his face. We've got your results, and I ask, on the edge of my seat. I have a variety of different illnesses in my family, and a diagnosis of any one of them would be just devastating. Just give it to me straight. Doc, How sick am I? Dr Toro shakes his head. Well, you're not sick, Actually, he explains. I stare at him blankly. I'm not. A smile of relief slowly begins to creep across my face, But don't get too excited, Dr Torp tells me. You're still in a world of trouble. I'm afraid your balls are haunted. I freeze hit suddenly with a wave of utter shock and anxiety of all the potential outcomes, I never would have guessed that this feeling within my balls was one of spiritual possession. But my doctor is a good one, and I have no other choice. But the trust is diagnosis. Haunted by who I ask slowly, not exactly sure that I want to hear the answer. Dr. Torp sits down in a chair across from me and shrugs. At this point, we can't really say for sure. It's too early in the haunting to get any real sense of who or what has possessed your boss. Eventually, though, the paranormal occurrences will become more and more frequent, and you will likely be visited by some kind of apparition. A ghost, I ask. Dr. Torp nods from my balls. I continue. Dr Torp nods again. Once that happens, you should listen very carefully to what this apparition has to say. A lot of the time these ball hauntings are caused when a spirit is not yet ready to move on from the material world, they have unfinished business to take care of. And they're not going to leave until they do. Could be anything from delivering a message to a loved one to building a massive art museum. You just don't know. I let out a sigh. So you're telling me that I have to drop everything in my life and take care of whatever this ghost needs me to take care of? I'm afraid so, Dr Torp tells me. Let's just hope that whoever is haunting your balls is reasonable with their requests
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