sad because I was so high because it's like all your dreams are coming true when I moved to high and it boom, it happens in like, you know, the first year of acting like my first pilot season and I'm like testing and like I, I'm excited my life away and like I see this money and then all my illusions and everything coming to life and then it just all comes crushing down. So I had to like be my own safety net and tell myself because I went to where I went to and no one knows but you and the listener, I've never told this story before. Well that could go in the book, but that example, right? But I went to such a place where I had to tell myself, I would never allow myself to go to that place and nothing was ever because I was, I know what it's like to be very happy and very excited on that horse. But I went so low and I was in my room like I said for three days and it felt like seven days and it's just like I told myself like, I will no matter what. Nothing in life, nothing in life until this day. That was what like now it's now, it's about 16 years, almost 16 years because it was in 2005. Nothing, no matter what is worth going into that deep dark black space. Thank God I wasn't on drugs. Oh my God, if I was on drugs, I mean I'd probably not even be here right now, but you know, so like, screw that crap, but it's not worth it. It was hard and right now as I'm talking about it, I feel stuff coming up. It was a lonely, lonely place and I was all by myself and it was sad. It was so sad because I was so excited and and I just, you know, like it's something that you wanted to happen or I wished it would have happened and and it didn't and then and then you go on the artist journey, but yeah, what a powerful story. But like, there was a part of you that still was able to tell yourself. Yeah, you know, this is not a good place to be. That's like, that's that's amazing, like where did that come from? Because that's very like, that's that's what got you out of it. Yeah. Yeah. Well it happened for a couple of reasons. One because I I had the space to Be in my room for three days and like cry and sleep and just allow the emotional toxicity to pass me because it was all those neurochemical things coming on through me on a cellular level that was coming and going and I was able to sleep it off and then I was able to like, like go to the bathroom hydrate reflect and since I was able to reflect and since and then when I came to a place of reflection because I was able to like sleep it off and then talk to myself about it, I think because I wasn't on drugs, I think because I had such a strong conviction of who I was and I wanted and I knew my destiny of, you know, if this wasn't it, it'll be something else. But I just wouldn't allow myself to get that upset over it again, you know? But I guess, I guess I would have to definitely what keeps coming up inside is my faith, like some kind of faith and whatever that is for you and the listeners, whatever that faith is just some kind of faith in knowing, you know, and trust in knowing not externally, but an internal faith in knowing and you know, and I felt deep down, I had that deep down, I feel I have that too, which is why I keep at it. But if you ask me like, you know what's next? Like, honestly, at the moment, I don't know what's next. Like, I don't have anything like lined up in terms of like a show, group show, another solo show at different gallery, I have no clue what's going to happen next when I'm gonna saw my next painting etcetera. But I have some, despite all the worry and the insecurity and the anxiety about how it's going to happen below that I have this deep faith that it's going to happen. I just don't know when where, how what you have to make it happen. You need that, it can't be, oh, I don't know what's going to happen anymore because that's the excitement part, but you need to make it happen for me listening to this. You know, from what we've chatted about for me when you're like, oh, I don't know what it is for me. For me, it's you setting up your online business, right? You know, your, your brand and no one's gonna do it for you, but you right? That's a good point. And unless you want to do it, no one else is going to care if you care, people will show up, right? If you want to show up and show people who you are and get everything in order, The machine can operate on its own, but you need to set it up. It's your life, it's your destiny, it's your work. So I guess that's what I'm doing next and just answered my question. Yeah. Taking actionable steps because no one knows you better than you. Yeah, this has been very helpful. Like, I feel like I got a lot more out of this than I expected. Remember what we talked about expectations. Yeah, that's a good point. Well, I didn't really, you know, I didn't really know, I was like, nervous. I was like, I don't want to say, I don't know what to talk about, you know? But like I did it anyway. Like it was, it was just great. You showed up your experience, you're very sweet. I agree. And actually it's one of the best conversations I've had. Um, I feel like, um, my podcast so far, really, really because it really, you know, moves through me. It's like artists, artists like talking about because I'm like, yeah, cool. Cause you're, you're the first painter I had on. And I mean like, I mean that's my heart and soul, like public tree painting, you know, like everything else is an extension off of that, right?