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The First Episode of Wolf 359

From Audio: Episode 1: Succulent Rat-Killing Tar

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station description A bi-monthly radio show about the advantages of floating, tiny and alone, in the mi... read more
Wolf 359
Duration: 17:13
Listen in to the first episode from science fiction podcast, Wolf 359.
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Listen in to the first episode from science fiction podcast, Wolf 359.
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This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel, I am speaking from the coms room of the U. S. S. F. S. To station Welcome today. 448 of our orbit around red dwarf star Wolf 3 59. Today's weather report. Pretty nominal surface temperatures averaging at about chris 4500 degrees Fahrenheit. Instruments are picking up less than 10% chance of stellar flares. Just another happy sunny day out here, 7.5 light years away from Earth. Minkowski and I finally cleared up that problem with the temperature on the station, all the climate control systems are back to normal and our stalwart autopilot Khera promises she'll be a little less gung ho in her efforts to conserve power. You know, I understand that as an artificial intelligence, it's difficult for her to remember that human beings can't function at 400 below zero. That's fine. Everyone makes mistakes. But if she could stop talking about my fragile carbon based, uncomfortably liquid body, it would be a real breakthrough for human ai relations. Speaking of scientific advancement, it's been three days since Hilbert's come out of his lab. I think this is the fourth time since mission launch. He's been sitting with us at dinner, suddenly yelled, Of course and ran off. I can't understand what Hilbert saying half the time anyway, it's just as well. I'm still banned from the lab. You accidentally knock over one vat of acid and almost burned a hole in the hall and suddenly you're well, yeah, I guess that's fair. Whatever you're up to dr Hilbert, best of luck, I gotta be careful with these. Minkowski confiscated another cigarette carton today. You think that after a year and a half on this tin, can our residents dot C. Agent would let up. I get it. Cigarettes are contraband, but it's not like if she let me have one eyed immediately light it and accidentally set the station's air supply on fire again. The people on this station have serious trust issues That makes the tally 17 cartons that she's confiscated and 123 still tucked in the back of the auxiliary calms panel safe and sound. I'm gonna stay sharp about where I leave these things though. I know I can't actually smoke them. I just like being able to have them in my mouth. I like the taste. Oh yeah. Eat your heart out you succulent rat killing tar. Alrighty folks. Let's see if we can actually get some work done, shall we? Our mission tonight is the same as last night and the night before that and the previous 400 knights unto the end of my attention span, scanned the heavens for any signs of intelligent life. Yesterday we spent a very relaxing three hours listening to absolute silence coming from the Theta nu quadrant and that was great. That was just great. Today. How about we take a look at what's going on around the Alpha sai sector? Okay. Is today the day we make first contact? What do you say? Alpha Sy one? Yeah. Mhm. Outstanding. Alpha Size Sector, Bearing one. No contact. What do you say? Alpha site too. Okay, Bearing two, same as it ever was. How are you feeling bearing three? All right. Mhm, mm hmm. Yeah. Well folks, I don't need to tell you that we are in for one exciting evening. I mean, I don't know if you have any dinner plans, but yeah, what the hell did I just hear? I thought I heard something for a moment there. Hello? Okay. Alpha size sector bearing three. Is anybody out there? Does anybody copy? Yeah. Mhm. No, I suppose not. I must be hearing things. I mean, hearing things in my job. You know what I mean? You know what? I think I need some coffee. Yeah, that'll make things better. I'll be right back jumping. Uh huh. Yeah. Right. All right. I'm back and I have coffee. Of course. It's not actually coffee. It's mostly blended seaweed with some proteins and stimulants. Hilbert says he got it as close to the taste of coffee grounds as he could, but that's not saying much. Calling it coffee helps. Uh huh. Speaking of the Good Doctor, I passed by his lab on the way to the kitchen. Some pretty weird noises coming from inside even for him. Check this out. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. So that's happening once again. I hope you know what you're doing. Doctor Hilbert. Oh, no. Looks like we have an unscheduled caller on line one. Dear listeners, Eiffel. Yeah. Minkowski, Excuse me? How may I be of service Commander Miscikowski, sir? Don't tell me you need more cigarettes already. I gave you a full cart in this afternoon. Very funny, Eiffel, did you read your copy of Price and carter? My copy of what? Price and carter's Deep space Survival Procedure Protocol Manual. Is that one of those mandatory mission training thing? Yes. In that case, yes, I definitely did. Did you? Now? Because I happen to find your copy of the DSS PPM floating in the observation deck? Oh, still in its plastic wrapping. Oh, in that case I've been busy Get to it, Eiffel. We maybe eight light years from Earth, but we still do things by the book. This book. In fact, I want you to have it read by 0600 tomorrow. G Commander. I'd love to do that. But I've got all of this deep space survey to do tonight. Very, very complicated technical stuff that requires my full attention. So can't recite that entire book backwards and forwards by tomorrow. I'll not only confiscate the cigarettes you've got in the com panel, I'll make you watch as I flush them out the airlock one by one. Well, clearly this is an important matter that requires my immediate attention. Glad we understand each other. And I'm so glad that you're shriveled, husk of a dictator's heart is as warm as a decompression chamber. All right, let's get this over with era. Yes. Officer Eiffel. Have you got this jimmy carter thing in your data banks, christ carter's leave, space survival, procedure, protocol manual is among the files I have access to. Can you please reproduce the contents of that file, please? Would you like me to broadcast this station? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Let's let's have this be a just the two of us. Totally secret. Never tell Commander Minkowski thing. All right. Very well ready to begin. Ready as I'll ever be. Take me away, sweetheart. Mm hmm. Christ and carter's Deep space survival procedure protocol available. Congratulations on your assignment to a deep space. Whether your stay is of a scientific exploratory or disciplinary nature. We hope that you enjoy a peaceful restive, minimal casualty residency in your spacecraft of choice. Mhm. To maximize your chances of a successful return to earth with all your limbs and faculties intact, please display a strict adherence to the following 1001 1000 and it's the extra one that's really annoying. Deep space Survival tip number one always read the instructions before operating any piece of machinery. Deviating from. This might result in the loss of valuable equipment, which could lead to heavy fines. Deep space Survival tip number two every day with a few minutes of exercise. Seriously, there are no harder to do in zero gravity than they are on earth and just as rewarding, jeez, I'm gonna need some more coffee. Deep space Survival tip number three spacewalks are serious operations filled with hazards, only use them as a source of amusement if you are really more really Go for one of those just about now, deep space survival. To number four conserve your oxygen. Even in environments with an air recycling system, oxygen can be limited. Sugar breathing at a slow steady pace, remain calm, failing to remain calm, could result in your grizzly christmas that so whatever you do do not panic panicking will only serve to accelerate your oxygen consumption and make your already quietly demise. A certainty if you want to avoid dying painfully alone in the cold darkness of space, gasping desperately as freezing oblivion. Silence with your pathetic hopes and dreams relax. Deep space Survival tip number five remain positive at all times, maintain a cheerful attitude even in the face of adversity. Remember when you're buying the whole world smiles with you, but when you're crying, you're in violation of fleet wide morale codes and should report to your superior officer for disciplinary action. Each Space Survival tip number six. My God, there it is again, you're a shut up. That's definitely a transmission. I might be able to clean it up a bit actually. Come here, you hold on, we're going, yeah, my God, small. Okay, mm, no, no, no, no, no. Come back. Damn it. I lost the signal again. I'm not crazy. There's definitely something out there. Come on, talk to me, whoever you are. I say again. Alpha size sector bearing three. Do you copy? Mhm. What was that? Are we seriously blowing up now? There is revival tip about what to do for blowing up? What the hell was that? Eiffel? Were you smoking again? I was not. If I come down there and find a single burnt matt up. I've noted fault. Commander, loud noise came from my laboratory, apologies. Didn't mean to cause distraction. Doctor Hilbert. Are you okay naturally? Why? A state of my health in christian? That was a rather loud explosion. Erroneous assumption. Loud noise was not explosion than, what was it? I don't know. Something else. Not explosion, Something was destructive. Hair dryer. Perhaps Dr Hilbert is anything around you on fire? Definitely not. Well, probably too busy. This experimental sample to look around rigorous observation cycle must devote full attention. He'll put out here. Uh The current temperature in the laboratory is 210°F and rising. And I'm guessing that the fire containment system quarter due to last week's electrical outage. Great. Well, I guess we gotta break into his lab and make sure he doesn't die. Hey, I'm still banned from those premises. And last I checked, he ranks me. This is all you Eiffel. A man's life might be at risk. If only we didn't do things by the book around here. You're not down at the lab in five minutes. I am going to make. What's that commander? Oh, you're breaking up the fire must be interfering with the intercom system you copy. Where does that button? Eiffel have fun with the rescue up. Uh huh. Alone at last. Would you like me to resume the reading where we left off? As scintillating as that sounds here? Uh I think we can just leave it. Are you certain? Yeah, I got the gist of it. Besides, I feel like there's something I'm forgetting right that what are you who's out there? Hello? Does anyone copy this? Is Douglas Eiffel aboard the Uss a festa station? Please respond again. Is anybody out there? Please respond? Hopefully we are. Well, Well what God! Oh sweet! Merciful, tap dancing, zombie chorus girls. It's an old radio broadcasts from Earth. A signal sent out. God, this must be decades old. All this time. It's just been traveling through space, bouncing from star to star. Just imagine of all the odds of all the space, it just happens to run into us. You got to wonder how many things the song is seen. Well, it looks like I didn't stumble onto alien life today, but you know as consolation prizes, go reminder that Earth is out there waiting with all its high fives and smoking sections and triple white chocolate mochas with whip cream. That ain't half bad. Well, until we meet again. This is a fast a station calms officer Doug Eiffel signing off. I should probably go make sure Hilbert isn't burning to death. Uh huh. Yeah, I'll go after this song is over. Yeah, yeah. Mm This Has been Wolf 3 59. Written and directed by Gabriele Bona. The roles of Eiffel and Hilbert were played by Zach Valenti. The role of Penkovsky was played by Emma Sure, Jarkko and the role of hero was played by Michaela Sui. Original music by Alan Rohde. And audio recording by Jared paul. Tonight. Space transmission was the entertainer by scott, Joplin. Want more tips on how to survive in the cold, Unforgiving void of space, visit Wolf 3 59 dot FM Or follow us on twitter at Wolf 3 59 radio. For more information on our show. Do you still do that? Mhm.
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