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Why This LGBT Couple Chose to Have a Biological Kid

From Audio: Babymaking While Queer

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station description The parenting show for everyone. Created by Hillary Frank; hosted by Andrea Silenzi... read more
The Longest Shortest Time
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Duration: 05:55
A couple muses on race and how their heritage plays into how they want to conceive their child.
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Adoption, surrogacy, IVF- there's a plethora of things to think about when you're thinking of having kids. There's even more when you happen to be in a same-sex marriage. Crystal and Sasha decide to have a biological child and walk through why someone might choose that over adoption, including discussions of race.
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Yeah, Crystal and Sasha say they might consider adoption and foster care down the line, but they'd like to try for a biological child related to at least one of them first, Stefan Correa agreed while I did leave the workshop, excited. Uh, so I'm a planner. So maybe I was excited because I could see like a plan folding out, but it's also like, oh, I can't do this myself. And I mean like I haven't even been certain that I wanted to get married. I think there's a version of our relationship where we stay together and don't get married if I didn't feel so certain about having kids. And that was also a conversation that came out of it that I was like, I think we have to get married if if we're doing this and I really want to do this. And how did that go? Was there an engagement? Like a, like a proposal? It just happened like a month ago. So yeah, just happened on New Year's Eve. So we went back home to California Bay Area. There's a really, you know, no, no, no, no, well known, but just like a, a staple taco truck that tacos are really important. Bear tacos are okay, we want to get tacos, you went to the lake, sat down, eat the tacos. A trumpet player starts playing jazz was just about to say that trumpet player starts playing jazz. Um, I was really shy, nervous and I finally was like, so, uh, we've been together for like five years. Do you want to be together for a lot longer? I like whipped out the ring and she screamed like, oh my God, I can't believe you got it together. And that was, that was uh, you know, after everything after that sort of like, I just sort of went numb. So, okay, the fertility planning workshop led to Steph's jazzy taco filled proposal, but the workshop got all of the friends wheels turning the night of the class curia and stuff and crystal and Sasha and another couple to, they all went out for fancy french food and they started talking about all the new information they had and what they thought they wanted to do. Here's crystal, we all sort of, you know, speaking as couples have a sense of the general place that, that we're in. So we can say Sasha and I can say generally, yes, we want to have a kid. This is what we know needs to be the next step. I have absolutely no interest in carrying a child. And so we've always talked about her carrying a child. In her ideal world, she wants to marry my egg and my ideal world, everything is just coming at her, looking at me, Sasha, why why is that your ideal world to have crystals, egg? It would help me feel like it was our kid. And so this is complicated, right? This is where I then go back to my original point that I started with is that family looks a million different ways. And so sometimes I stopped myself because I think I'm caught up in this mentality of family is necessarily biological and I know that that's wrong, I know that that is absolutely not right. And so I am trying to fix my brain, but that's a lifelong, but can I just say one thing though, this is stuff on facebook, I saw a baby that looks like me and that literally my home, you didn't mention related to you that looks like you know baby, we had another dinner at which this came up. And so I mean that wants that baby. You know there is something about like you know having a child that looks like you. Because the thing is like my friend like my family, we're very proud of like of our heritage and where we come from. Um and to be able to like then share that with you know, remind us where is your heritage from? Oh yes. Sorry. Uh Jamaican. Um you know the music, the food, the culture, all that stuff. And I'm not saying that if I were to have a kid and it wasn't biologically mine that I wouldn't be like you're not Jamaican. But and I think there is something about wanting to share that and also also getting buy in for my family. Like this is this is your blood. You know and this is your blood grand baby or this is your blood grand niece or cousin. Like you can't like this. You can't like Yeah deny it or reject it. Um Yeah. The thing for me is race. Mm hmm. Um And that's also a lot of what we talked about the dinner. Yeah. So tell me about that. I wanted to know. How much does race play into this conversation. Yeah, hugely for all of us being people of color and being queer people of color. And that ways those things interact is a huge part of who we are. And so I want to be a black queer mom to a baby that is also black um of mixed heritage. Sure. But um bringing more um radical black babies into the world is something I'm interested in. And so what does that mean for you in terms of like action? Would that mean looking for a sperm donor of color? Um what's going through your head as you make those kinds of plans? Yeah. So me personally, um I want a known donor. It doesn't have to be someone that's intimately involved in the kid's life. But because I did have such a long time getting to know my dad and my um my dad's side of the family, I want to make sure that whatever child to bring to the world has access to as much as possible about their geological history and I wanted to be a black donor. Um and if it was jamaican, that would be like a bonus. Um So we have talked about whether we could um ask someone in this family to donate if it's my egg.
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